April 2012
8 posts
“I don’t know if rape jokes encourage rape culture. I don’t care. You still...”
–
An Addendum, On Rape Jokes. (via transformfeminism)
22 tags
This week in prose, and the cycle of bulimia.
This week was wretched. Every day I would wake up, go to school, come home, eat, throw up, nap, wake up, eat, throw up, maybe even do it again before bed. Take that routine, pepper it with about a shazillion little lies to caulk the cracks and quell the suspicions, set it on a loop, and that was my week.
My first reaction to that is the natural one - that this is a truly horrific way to live...
11 tags
You know you're getting to be a pretty serious...
The barf currently hidden in my room, about to be thrown out:
- 5 tall drinking glasses
- 2 bin liners
- 1 large, full-size trash bag with several puke-loads in it
…that’s not even counting what went down the toilet and sink.
17 tags
I'm still in the throes of my ED, but my...
I take this as a good thing, but in the absence of depression my new “clarity” has made me aware of several things:
Wanting to hurt myself makes less sense now that I’m not incredibly depressed. I want to enjoy life, but this desire is contemporaneous with the drive to pursue thinness. And in my ED journey, I have not only pursued aesthetics, but poor health as well. Yes, I have...
What I've eaten today:
Breakfast: 150 cals
Greek yogurt, approx. 1/2 c: 60 cals
Weetabix crumbs: 30 cals
Coffee w/ Sweet ‘n’ Low, 2% milk: 60 cals
Lunch: 185 cals
sandwich thin bread: 100 cals
ham slice: 35 cals
avocado slice: 50 cals
Snack: ~800 cals (binged…and purged D:) / maybe 300 cals retained, not sure how to factor in purges, though
approx. 1 c mixed nuts: 680 cal…OHHHH...
My intestines hurt from purging. And my stomach...
And oddly enough, I feel like I deserve this. Even though I know I don’t.
not that my 3 followers care, but I haven't cut or...
^Reblogged from www.c-u-t.tumblr.com
Congrats, girl! I care. Just hold on to whatever helped you get through these past 3 days~
10 tags
Update: It's been a while...as in 6 months.
Hello,
Last time I posted here was October 5, 2011. Sheesh! A lot has happened since then.
Since then I’ve had periods where I binged/purged twice a day, everyday
My longest run without binge/purging was 30 days, if I’m not mistaken
Since the above record, I have been bingeing and purging regularly
For a while I didn’t feel too severely sensitive about my body, but now, what...
October 2011
2 posts
13 tags
I’m told I’m pretty. Everyone says I’m so smart - I do seem to know an awful lot. People supposedly like my style - I receive what I think are compliments.
But I guess none of these things are actually true, because few people actually want to listen to me.
14 tags
Warning: Triggering Post
MUHWAHAHAHA.
I finally took the time to figure out and disassemble a shaving razor.
The cuts are so clean and so deep.
September 2011
13 posts
14 tags
I have a question for my fellow crazies on Prozac!
Every time I sleep, I wake up drenched in sweat. Gross, huh? It’s not even because I’m hot. I just sweat. For no apparent reason.
Has anyone else on Prozac experienced this?!
Anonymous asked: You said you need encouragement, and I just wanted to say that you should just breathe and take a glass of water then lie down, if you are trying to not purge. If you want to purge, then I would do it rather than sitting there in even more self hatred thinking about what that food will make your body. After you purge, or if you don't just drink, breathe, relax and don't try and cut back...
5 tags
11 tags
Does anyone know any really encouraging,...
I need a song that’ll make me feel more motivated to achieve, to overcome, make it through this, etc.
I’m sort of looking for a song with the bottom line, “screw you, world, I will win!”
Sort of like Eminem’s “Not Afraid” but without all the nasty references, like the part about the dude with his dick in the dirt. That mental picture just kinda ruined...
so anxious right now...
anxietythings:
my medication isn’t working…
i have major tremors and i’m tingling
Dude, same.
It’s hell.
7 tags
I need encouragement, stat!
Oh my God. I just had a really freaking bad binge. Food…I can’t even think about it. It looks disgusting now. I can’t believe I did this. I HATE THIS.
I have to stop.
I’m freaking out here…ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Food is involuntarily coming up my esophagus.
I hate BULIMIA.
Screw you, Mia.
7 tags
I can't do this anymore. I NEED HELP. No more...
I am ready to tell my parents that in spite of the outpatient treatment and 3 months clean, that I’ve been bingeing and purging like crazy for the past 2 weeks.
I thought I could fix it myself. I can’t.
I am ready to kick bulimia’s ass.
…but I still want to be thin…really thin.
I’ll get there WITHOUT Mia.
7 tags
I really hate how you can go, say, 100 days clean,...
2 tags
4 tags
10 tags
UPDATE
I don’t think I’ve made a “real” post in…3-4 months? Wow. A lot has gone down in that time.
I got found out. I met criteria for bulimia nervosa, and exhibited anorexic behaviors and thinking as well. I’ve been in outpatient treatment seeing a doctor, nutritionist, therapist, and psychiatrist.
I was diagnosed not only with bulimia nervosa, but also generalized...
I'm back...
I don’t know how often I’ll be able to post, but I do want to post more than I have been.
I can’t tell if I’m happy to be back, but…I think it’s about time.
July 2011
5 posts
Sorry if my posts are becoming less frequent; I've...
I’m not officially gone! Just…on hiatus.
7 tags
How do I get rid of cravings? By talking to my...
She makes me so mad that I lose my appetite.
7 tags
What the fuck. My parents are threatening to deny...
This. Fucking. Sucks.
Can I just fucking die already?
Please?
10 tags
I don't fucking want to get better.
Tell them to leave me ALONE.
I welcome ana back with open arms…
losewithme asked: Oh and as for your parents, let them know if you're really scared about it. It could be hypoglycemia, you never know... If you feel better today, don't worry about it but TELL SOMEONE if it happens again!! <3
7 tags
The thought of not being able to see my ribs one...
Don’t let it happen.
June 2011
134 posts
Anonymous asked: I will never eat anything during the day again. And barely any dinner, I swear.
Unfortunately I have to wait 2 more years before I...
High school junior in the fall. But when I’m free, I’m restricting 24/7.
Just gotta BS my way through this bulimia treatment.
So effing excited to go to college and have no one watching me!!!
But I still have to wait. I hope time goes by quickly.
tumbleandfightbeautiful-deactiv asked: I love all your text posts. I love your honesty. Hi (:
7 tags
I just fainted. Should I tell my parents?
I got officially diagnosed with restricting and purging type bulimia on Monday. I haven’t binged/purged since last Thursday. My parents are on a trip and I’m with my grandmother, and I’ve been restricting since that Thursday. Today I fainted but my grandmother didn’t see the worst of it, so I don’t know if she’ll tell anyone. I just shrugged it off and said it...
Just got diagnosed with purging and restricting...
Fuck this! I’m so fucking scared.
Edit: doc also attributed anxiety disorders and OCD traits.
"No more food for you, you fat cow. All those...
6 tags
Day 1 of major hell begins tomorrow. Getting...
What a stupid game they’re forcing me to play.
14 tags
I'm going to pretend my way through this recovery...
HA! As if they really think I’m going to willingly “get better”.
Yeah, right.
I’ll play along until I can get them off my back, and then I’ll go right back to NOT EATING.
I’ll starve until the day I die, because I want to die for this.
12 tags
My parents just found out about my ED. This is...
I’m so scared…I don’t want to have to leave this place behind…
I want to keep starving forever.
11 tags
I just wrote a note to my best friend saying why...
It’s only fair that I warn her.
I hate that I get so depressed I can't move....
I really can't picture anyone having a crush on...
I think this all the time, and so far it’s been true.
7 tags
Eat now and you won't stop. Damned to be a fat pig...
The eating disordered community, though at times...
journeytorecovered:
This was what scared me most about recovery…losing the community I had developed. I was scared of losing those friends. And honestly, I have in some cases, but the recovery community is *just* as strong.
^This, even though I’m not recovering.
Im disgusting.
sliceawayfromhappiness:
I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat. I am so fat.
2 tags
It's fun watching the blood clot, but sad because...
As pathetic as it sounds, I really want to be...
9 tags
Sometimes logging into my ED blog is painful.
To my lovely followers: I need a break. This is...
Really sorry, but I promise I’ll come right back. Really.
Miss you, loves. <3
